Greetings Ghouls this posting is on a series of vignetes called "Nightmare Alley". This ranks two stars on Netflix but a whopping 3.7 on IMDB. View trailer HERE.
This high quality (sarcasm intented) starts with two stoners standing in an alley bsing about some obviously lame party. A homeless guy offers them a new copy of a comic called,,,you guessed it! Nightmare alley. After crossing words the one guy that looks like the lead singer from Tokyo Hotel getss knifed and then the hobo pisses on his head....nice touch douchebag. Speaking of Tokyo Hotel,,, if you dress like the lead singer, do you have a right to complain and "butt rock" and pussy posers? Just a thought.
So this low budget flick is nothing mor than a low budget Tales from the Crypt with no name actors and no name writers. I understand it is hard to get your work out there to all you writers, but for fuck sakes is this the best you can find? Anywho, we are escorted through our, "ride of terror and gore" by an Alice Cooper look alike with a wig that looks like he took it off a corner junkie.
Tale number one: A fistful of Innards
"well suck me sideways" Nice. Three outlaws just saw a meteorite and decide that its value is priceless since it looks like gold. Now here I have to add some dialogue so you can see what I'm up against.
Dumb cowboy number 1: "Shit I think that thing is making us sick... lets pack it up and take it into town"
Ok so these three inbred fucks know it is making them sick but still insist on taking it with em. Is it me or does anyone else see the ending is going to go well? So dumb redneck number two shoots his partners cause hey thats what greedy fucks do right? Little does he know that the meteorite reanimates dead things so he is offed quickly by dumb cowboy number 1 and 3. After a snack of brains and hillbilly shit they move onto the next town causing havic and eating the preist.
Tale number two: Rebellion
Dumb store clerk stuffing her face with unidentifiable food when Don Juan walks into what appears to be a Dollar Store looking for something of great value. And he finds it. A fake MOUSE! Ok so the mouse is supposed to possess some satanic powers the dumb ass, shitty hispanic accent store clerk tells him.
So dumb ass Don Juan does exactly the opposite of what he was supposed to do. And guess what, he is possessed by the devil with a jersey accent. Jump ahead 6 months(Why? I dont fucking know) Now dumbass has become some long haired rocker with a tied chick in his back seat. So the plastic rat eats her soul. Now would be a good time to mention that the plastic rats goal is to "take over the world" Pinky and the Brain anyone?
So dumbass picks up a hitchiker. who he just happens to let out of the car and now is chasing her down to kill her so the rubber rat can feast on her soul. Only the hotty hitchiker gets him first and basically hacks him to peices in the desert, leaves him and takes the car. Big mistake cuzz now the rubber rat controls her.
Tale number three: Death Chat
This one starts with some chick with groceries who walks in on her bf getting off with another woman. After she storms out, in walks Barney Fife ready to burn some ganja...always nice. The two start to talk about how their girls are always making them bathe, why cant they just smell? it's called hygeine Einstein!! (chick magnets) So now dumbass goes on line to find a horny chick ready to put out . Now here is just poor directing people. What he is saying as he types( to let the viewers know) is nowhere close to the obnoxiously loud keystrokes. SAD. So dipshit decides to meet the person who tells him, "ill rip you apart, if you have the guts for it". I'm all for kinky but some things also wave a little red flag for "psychobitch". That would probably one of them.
So now numbnuts drops by her address and the door happens to be mysteriously open but locks immediately as he enters. He encounters some Zombie chick who spouts one liners and hacks him up with an ax. Come to find out from the lard assed detectives it was the sight of a murder/suicide one year ago today. (cue dramatic music)
Tale number 4: Meat
EYE BLEACH!!!! oh MY GOD No Words can describe this. I'll try. Sniff sniff.... So some Lard ass is hitting on this chick. AND SHE THINKS HES SEXY! She invites him upstairs for some extra ciricular activities. To be honest this guy doesnt look like he could make it up a flight of stairs. Now the husband comes home. Luigi the fat ass leaves. Just FYI the hubby isnt a winner either. They start fighting and she beans him with a skillet that is obviously supposed to kill him. So misty invites Luigi back over for dinner. They dine on hubbies head like its a stuffed turkey. According to the writing at the end of the story; Misty fed him her husband for six weeks until the cops came because of a foul stench. She got life, he got off because he was drugged but was never the same. He can be seen wondering the city wearing a speedo. (oh god the humanity) This was the worst of the four so far simply due to the obese guy wearing daisy dukes.
Tale number 5: Closet case
Wow talk about short. This story is nothing more than a closeted fat guy who stabs some gay guy and takes his "Man Hole" magazine. ODD
Tale number 6:The great Damone
This story is about a stuck (I think gay) artists who hasnt "Fucked me in six months" by the wifes standing. Of course looking at the women doesnt do much for the loins of the dead or the living.
They cross barbs until he finally stabs her in the throat. Collecting as much blood as he can in a paint bucket and continues to his paintings spouting one liners.
So this picture thats he is working on sells for 10 Gs and the chick wants to see more of his work. So he dismembers her body and uses it as his art. This time of course the money bags chick finds it to horrible and refuses to buy it. (as if his other work was any good. ) So nutsack artist goes home and ODs on medication and it trapped in hell with his dead ex forever.
Tale Number 7: Slash of the blade
So this one seems to be about a modern day Jack the Ripper. It pretty safe to assume that it is supposed to be Jack the Ripper as the ripper murders happened in 1888 and this...well was supposed to be 1988. Now Jack, is a pretty good job at hacking up useless HS girls and hookers, and obviously getting across town without driving. Ok so my question is how does this guy do all this in broad daylight and not get noticed?
Thank god this one is over!
that was a painful experience. But I do it all for you people. Avoid this peice of crap like it is infested with the plague!
I give this stink job half a severed thumb. And remember,
I watch this shit so you dont have to.
CHEERS! Shane
No comments:
Post a Comment