Greetings all! Today's stinker is a Rockin Rollin piece of shit called "Hard Rock Zombies". Just as a forward I have to say this is possibly the weirdest zombie movie I have ever set my eyes on. Just by viewing the trailer HERE you can tell this is not the ordinary zombie flick. But like I say, I watch the shit so you don't have to!
The story opens with two guys that look like they belong in a special place (if you get my meaning). They pick up a hitch-hiker and decide to go skinny dipping. Oh why not? Well I'll tell you why not! She might just be some inbred homicidal wench that drowns you and cuts your hand off. (No offense meant to any inbreeds out there) of course all of this is happening while two dwarfs and some freaky guy watch from the woods with binoculars. And takes photos even. Did I happen to mention one of the dwarfs looks like he belongs in a demonic hell house. I guess this is what happens when brothers and sisters do the deed.
Moving on! We are introduced to a "hard rock band" that Simon Cowell would literally have a heart attack for. Of course the crowd is eating it up. The whole initial scene is shot like a bad Def Leopard video. Don't get me wrong, I like Def Leopard. Their sleazy manager books them in a town that really has no appreciation for their style of music or basic technology from the looks of it.
Jessie the lead singer is warned by some mysterious young girl not to play the next gig. Since no one wants them in town they are taken in by a strange family. Texas chainsaw massacre has nothing on this family. The family consists of; the patriarch of the family, none other than Adolph Hitler, Granny is a werewolf, the Dwarf brothers and the creepy middle aged guy with the camera, and some creepy guy with an axe and bloody shirt and a severed hand that walks all on it's own.
Next we are treated to a montage of the douchebag band running amok through town basically upsetting the town folk, (well three guys in particular I guess). Watch the movie and you will see what I mean. Uh- Oh! They get arrested and thrown in the pokey. What to do? I know let Jessie write a song! Jessie seems to have developed a thing for an underage girl. This reaks of statuatory rape.
Here is where things start to get even weirder. While ole Adolph and his wife are bumping uglies, the Dwarf brothers come in and want to watch and in line with the rest of the flick, papa Adolph says, "sure why not". The town council consisting of all three pissed off men vote that their is to be no rock n roll of any kind. So the sheriff decides that it is his job to enforce the new law and requires the whole community of about 25 people to gather all their godless rock tapes and albums. (sorry no cds yet)
So after the band is bailed out, the band is offed one by one in various ways.
It is through the playing of a "magical song" that they are brought back to life to do multiple things. A. kill those people who killed them. B. Put on the Concert. The typical grey face and racoon eyes make up the zombie look. Not to far off from their normal complexion. And walking as if in robots.
Deaths consist of.
1. Stabbing in shower mid coitus (original huhn?)
2. Stabbing by granny wolf
3. Falling out of a window
4. Electric Garden shears
5. Spike through the throat
6. Strangulation
7. Drowning x2
8. Smashing together the two dwarfs with must be super strength.
9. Unknown death of Hilter
Once the town discovers that the band is a pack of walking dead. And those they killed are undead they must figure out how to survive. The band in the meanwhile is driving around in the van. HUHN?! Wearing makeup for the stage. To give you an understanding of the quality of work I am suffering through allow me to quote.
Sheriff,"Now, nobody don't touch nothing until I get back!. We need finger prints. "
This walking retard just broke a cardinal rule. Never use a double negative. But hey if you are going to fuck it up, DO IT RIGHT! Use a triple instead.
Finally we come to the concert that consists of one person in the audience and a dream sequence of Jessie and the underage girl in white frocks in a field. How the hell do zombies play instruments and sing?!
So as the town people try to take back their town they use giant cutout heads of movie stars and different well known personalities. Now If I was a personality and I saw my face plastered on a cardboard cutout in this movie we would be talking serious lawsuit people. Jesus Christ! Eventually the Zombie horde isn't fooled and the entire town is made into brunch. The young girl (cassie) is eventually left to wonder the town finding body parts all along the way , including the head of daddy dearest. What a douche. Eventually someone has the bright idea to sacrifice a virgin and geeee Cassie is that virgin. So the undead band come to her rescue and chase off the zombie horde by playing another "magical song" that attracts the undead into a cave that Hitler has hidden in plain freaking sight and gases all the undead. So how does that work again?
We are relieved as the movie ends with Cassie leaving a grave sight and kissing a hand that comes up with a ring in it. Good god could this have gotten any worse?
The acting sucked on an innumerable scale
The gore factor was non-existant but obviously a little corn syrup lathered on body parts.
Please for the love of all that is good and unholy avoid this piece of shit!
I give this half a severed thumb. And remember,
I watch this shit so you don't have to! (please don't, I beg of you!)
Shane
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